1. Individuals handle stress in different ways. Be aware of what you need, and be sensitive to what helps your partner. We are called upon to use tried and true stress management skills, but also to invent some new ones.
2. “I wish my partner would think like I do!” Be mindful of the fact is that each partner has their own personality characteristics, and that there are times when we do not see eye to eye. Practice patience, kindness, and 4x4 breathing.
3. The usual couple issues are exaggerated. Need for space, private time, own interests, own type of exercise need to be addressed in discussion with each other.
4. Communication skills are a plus. Tension and fear can breed short tempers and reacting to each other. Start with ground rules: for example, listen to understand one another, one person talks at a time, no yelling, no swearing or name-calling, and agree that one person can stop the discussion at any time (if they are feeling overwhelmed) with a commitment to coming back again a specific time. Recognize that each handles stress and may process the world differently from each other. Not only does each person handle stress in their own particular ways, but each has a different
personality and way of staying oriented. Some theorists have explored this through identifying the personality types, and through the characteristics attributed to the extrovert vs those of the introvert. These ideas become very real when we are in each other’s presence all day. Be compassionate towards one another (try not to react when partner suddenly has new info about the political scene when you are trying to take a break from the news), and practice taking a breath before you respond (Honey, right now I’m taking a break from the news. Let’s talk at 2P.”)
• Create a routine, even if you think it may change. Establishing a routine creates structure, and
we need to actively create it when ours is upended.
• Establishing ritual (a solemn ceremony, a mindful attitude) also can help create order, and order or structure can help ground us, an antidote to feeling unmoored and confused/disoriented.
• Try to finish something. We can easily get interrupted by news or a worry, or something to take care of. We can feel like we are not able to complete anything. Do one thing at a time and complete something, no matter how small.
• Set boundaries. You probably have established territories, or kinds of spaces already, living together. They may become even more important now. We can become annoyed and annoyances can become amplified living together continuously especially in close confines. I one partner has the living room, or that person’s desk, or even their room as their territory, the other person cannot make comments or nag the other to “clean up,” etc.. When we are having to be in close proximity together, especially without many of our usual tension release outlets, we can feel we are losing control, and these and other small gestures can allow us to feel in more control.
• Try to set time away from media. You may have to differentiate which media you are addressing. News sources, Facebook, twitter, may be viewed as different from video games. Try to unplug for periods of 10 minutes and longer.
• Decide to go outside. Walks together with members of your household are ok, as long as no one is being quarantined (that’s a whole different discussion). Hiking, biking, sitting outside are all healthy ways of lifting the spirits, reducing stress.
• Use the 4x4 breathing techniques as often as needed and several times a day generally, to stay in practice. This type of slow breathing in and out to the count of 4 each way stimulates the vagus nerve which slows the heart rate. Slow breathing can create a relaxation response which enables us to separate from whatever is the source of stress, be it a thought, someone’s voice, a news item. With this separation, there is the opportunity to respond without reacting. That is, it allows us to think and consider options. For example, if I suddenly see a triggering statement by someone online, instead of throwing out a retort which could inflame others and increase everyone’s anxiety, I could take my four slow breaths, and decide not to make any remark, make a more measured remark, wait till later and look at it again to decide, get up and do something else.
• Remember that movement will change the tension of the moment. Get up and stretch, go brush your teeth, go make some tea. Let your partner know that you “need a moment” and that you’ll “be back in five” to continue talking or being together. If each of you takes a look at some of these ideas, you will both be on the same page and can reference them, eg. “Remember that we were each going to get a chance to talk while the other listened.” “Want to come back to this in 20 minutes? I need a quick break.” Regarding the presence of kids, and that’s a whole other discussion, but one helpful approach is to alternate being the point person, for snacks, questions, interaction about their activities. If you both must be on a meeting online, for example, can you assign someone else to run it while you are on kid duty. For more on couples working at home under “normal” circumstances, see this LINK
Copyright Robin Beresford LMFT 2020
